So, it's been over a year....

....since I last posted.  Not since I've been on a date.  But, in the last year, I've dated enough randomly horrible people to justify giving up dating until my kids are grown and out of the house (six years!). Tonight's stand-up by a doctor/alligator wrestler prompted me to have a free 45 minutes of time to reflect on the first dates I've had since my dog park date where the date's dog had an incredible fascination with my dog's hind end.

Here goes:

The Spider Man Aficionado - he has not one, but two, fully licensed Spider Man costumes and has collected nearly a thousand Spider Man figurines and comic books and has den in his basement dedicated to Spider Man worship.   He could not fathom that I could not recall which Spider Man movie was better and what features they missed in their scripts.

The Rodeo Clown - He only liked cover bands and truly only worked a few months a year during the rodeo circuit. Which leads me to...

The Cowboy Poser - This one may seem shallow, but when a dude shows up wearing this just because he knew I went to the University of Wyoming, but he'd never actually been to any "western" state except Colorado and definitely had never touched a horse (let alone figured out that I dislike most things country) it's just wrong...

The Family Bed - His kids were 5, 7 and 11 and they all shared a bed with him when they came to visit.  Enough said.  Disgusting.

The DVR Addict - If you're inviting me over to watch a movie or play a game, then don't just ignore me and watch a recorded football game.  Especially if it's one that I've seen.  I will give away every play.  Just a heads up. That next one?  He'll catch the ball out of bounds.  The one after that?  An interception and score.  I'm not anti-football.  I'm just anti-ignoring.  Especially on a second or third date.  And then, if you "shush" me when I'm giving away the play, don't be surprised if I just say I'm going to use the bathroom and magically disappear from your life.

The Prude - This one was weird, a guy that had only been on basically three dates in his whole life (and he was 39) felt weird because he was pretty convinced that I had far too much dating experience and by that, I think he meant that I'd slept with too many people.  Funny, we never actually had that conversation, just that he was looking for someone a little more "pure".

The Mama's Boy - If your testicles ascend when your mother calls and you speak as if they'll never drop again, we're not made for each other.  Calling your mother "mommy" and sharing that you're required to spend one hour a day playing chess or she throws things, does not make you attractive.

The Restraining Order - If you have a restraining order against your ex-wife for attacking you and one of your dates and she has one against you (for what reason, you surely can't explain!) you're probably no one that I even want to know, let alone someone that I'd want knowing where I live.

The Drunk Driver - Yes, this was not the first drunk driver I've dated (sadly there have been at least three), but potentially the first one that lost his license.  Please, please, don't pretend that you want to expose me to public transportation and urban living when really, you were pulled over and won't have your license until well into 2012 due to your excessive blood alcohol level.......

And that's not all, but I'm tired of describing them.

It's not like my list of must haves and can't stands are excessive.  It's pretty simple: Be kind, be funny, be trustworthy, be someone my kids could meet, and be responsible.

My plan?  (And this will definitely affect the blog posting...) Only go on dates if there's an actual reference from a live person that I know, and like.  Beyond that, nights at home practicing the piano and watching movies with the dogs beat out any horrible experiences as described above.