Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bad advice is gender neutral

An anonymous follower of this missive brought up an interesting point after my rant about the Pick Up Artist.   Shares Anon:
"Have you read most women's magazines geared towards pre-teens and young women (i.e Cosmo, etc.) They are full of articles that teach girls about romance from a calculated and manipulative rules-based standpoint. Judge not...."
And, as I like to tell my kids.  I judge.  And harshly.  As slimy and smarmy I think the Neil Strauss PUA POS book is, I believe Cosmo and the other girl rags are even worse.  I believe those magazines create the kind of women that are happy being one of Tiger Wood's 14 mistresses, or a "look the other way" wife like many of us are expected to be.

I think the same rule applies.  If you start a relationship, either as a man or woman, from a manipulative, rules-based standpoint, it's going to fail. 

So whether you are a guy and aspire to this:

Or a girl that needs this type of advice I judge you harshly.  Stop taking advice from these types of publications or people.  The world is full of shit-heads like Tiger, we don't need any more.  Relax, be yourself, and just say "Hi."  Works every time.

Monday, December 28, 2009

"Looking for someone honest"


Honesty.  It's a huge part of developing a new relationship, and probably an even bigger part of why many of my relationships have failed.  I've always considered myself a huge stickler for honesty.  However, after careful consideration, I think I've been lying to myself all this time.  I'm not honest at all in my online dating responses. 

For example: this fine fellow here recently emailed me with a "Your cute, I promise you will be laughing in one minute with me."  (His spelling, his words.)  I totally lied to this guy and said "Thanks for the email, but I'm seeing someone right now."

His profile headline is "Looking for someone honest."  So, here goes (because I'm not honest enough to write this as a response).


Dear dbell99,



You indicate you'd like honesty in your next relationship so I'd like to provide my honest opinion in the hopes it helps you in the future with your online dating experience.  Honestly, just because it's the holidays it does not mean that you should post a picture in your Santa boxer shorts and your Steeler's Santa hat.  Some holiday photos say fun loving, this says weird.  I mean, really....what were you wearing before you put on this ensemble, or is this how you wake up on Christmas morn?   And secondly, in one of your other 12 profile pictures, you are wearing a very dirty sweatshirt.  While I'm not sure that the 10 other pictures show you to be an attractive man, they do seem to indicate that you are at least clean, which may be enough for some girls.  I understand that you're standing in front of an empty closet, so maybe this is your only option, but still.


You've asked for honesty, and here it is, you're just not the man for me.


Best of luck and Happy New Year.  (Oh and it's "you're" cute, not "your", just FYI.)


A

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Pick Up Artist.

For all my single friends, a warning, and for all my married friends, read on and just take a deep breath and be thankful you're safely coupled up.

There is a movement amongst the single men-children on this planet called The Game.  Neil Strauss, author/asshole, believes the best way to pick up women is to start a conversation with an insult and then attempt to build the woman back up through his advised wit and charm or to initiate a conversation based completely on a fabricated "opener" on a Target (what women are to him).   I hate to add any revenue to this guy's pocket or give any validity to his crap style of relationships, but if you can skim read (it's not well written) this book in the bookstore or steal it from your little brother's bookshelf (because really, it's that immature), you'll know what to watch out for at bars when a guy comes up to you and says:  "Hey, can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?"  Keep in mind, the next words out of his mouth will be a lie and probably start with: "I have this friend who has this problem....."  Then, he'll work to sit and manipulate the conversation to focus on his pre-determined (usually untrue) story.  Throughout it all, he'll try and break through defenses by breaking the personal space bubble by casually touching your arm.  Warning - he'll act relatively disinterested and then will mention, "well, if you want me to let you know about this great party/club open/gallery" (whatever he lied about earlier) just enter your number into my phone and maybe I'll text you.

I've had this happen a few times with friends at bars.  When you say "Oh Wow!  You read The Game." in response to "Wow, you really would be short without those heels." or "My friend's in the bathroom, but I need advice on something....".

My ex, loyal follower of this methodology (and the person who loaned me the book), thinks I'm being mean by shooting guys down just for following the Game, but seriously.  I don't want to be with anyone who starts a conversation with a lie.

That said, if you've employed this methodology and are in a happy, committed, loving relationship now, I'd love to hear from you.  Getting the "kiss close" doesn't count.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Please, please, don't pick me up when you're drunk.

So, Mr. Patience (formerly known as Mr. Bellyflop) who throughout the last several weeks has been quite understanding with my neurotically horrific schedule, asked if I wanted to go out to dinner on one of my completely kid free evenings. Dinner out? Yes. I wasn't sure there was a great connection here, but he was relaxing and kindof fun, so what the hell. (Yeah, I went for the steak.)

At dinner he got up to use the bathroom twice. I thought that was odd, especially for a dude. I guess if I dated women it would be more "natural", but I don't date women and thus, I don't get it when my date gets up twice to go to the bathroom.

During dinner we discussed movies and some of our favorites. The Departed is definitely one that I could watch multiple times. Especially with a newbie. Spoiler alert for those that haven't seen this brilliant film: When Leo's head explodes it's just a cinematically perfect moment. And so, since this guy knew my address already I figured he could come back to my place and we could watch a movie. Seemed like a good Sunday night activity. Potential for some high-schoolesque making out, but not really anything more. That is, until....

He revealed that he was too drunk to probably do "very much" with me tonight because, well, he'd had multiple drinks at the Bronco party before picking me up and thus, well, couldn't......you get the point (which he couldn't....sorry).

Here's the issue:

#1 - I wasn't necessarily planning on sleeping with him. I don't know him very well, there's no crazy chemistry and I'm picky.

#2 - "You picked me up drunk?!?!" This really was #1, but I figured I should reveal the other first in case my parents read this. (I'm a first born and seek approval.) He was sheepish, but said that he didn't think it would affect anything. Ummmmm. Not okay. He's a big guy and wasn't showing any signs of intoxication when he came to my door (maybe the chronic urination should have revealed something to me), but I rode in a car with him. I informed him that as a single mom and really the only reliable parent my kids have, it's pretty damned important that I not do stupid shit like get in the car with a guy who's had that much to drink. And so, he went home, I took a sleeping pill and had a blissful kid free evening.

Oh and, #3 - He used the phrase "don't matter none to me" once during dinner. Without #2, I still probably would have ended it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Fade Out.

We believe he was hit by a bus. Pray for his mother.

My dear friend Beth shared this line in response to a recent "fade out" where I was on the receiving end. I've never been here before. I've given the "fade", but never received it and now am not sure I'll ever give it again.

For those dating neophytes a fade out is when you simply slow down the responses to texting or phone calls until you simply just don't call or text back. It's generally used most effectively after first or second dates when the chemistry just isn't there or they said something a little over the top. Or at least that's when I employ it. So, when I was the fade-ed instead of the fade-er I immediately began to second guess myself. "Was it something I said?" "Was I a bad kisser?" "Did he read this blog and realize that I was going to write about my experience?"

And then I realized. I put aboslutely no thought into the fade out when I'm the fade-er. There just wasn't a connection and it was time for it to disolve. No need to overanalyze. Just move on to the next one and enjoy.

Fade out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Taking Time.

If you know me, you know that I have very little spare time. I'm the primary parent for my kids, by choice, it's the best thing for them. And, since I juggle their activity and school schedules with my work and volunteer schedules it leaves very little free time in which to date. I suppose for the right guy I'll make the time, but definitely not for this guy who emails.

I am just getting out of messy situation with a girl who thought we were a couple but she never saw me anyway. I am not looking to date, just looking to talk at the moment. If you can handle that...let's talk.

So, if I don't have time to date, do I have time to "talk". Seriously.

And, well, he says he's 5'10", but unless all of his friends are 6'5" or greater, I'm thinking he's more like 5'6". More on 5'10" later.