For all my single friends, a warning, and for all my married friends, read on and just take a deep breath and be thankful you're safely coupled up.
There is a movement amongst the single men-children on this planet called The Game. Neil Strauss, author/asshole, believes the best way to pick up women is to start a conversation with an insult and then attempt to build the woman back up through his advised wit and charm or to initiate a conversation based completely on a fabricated "opener" on a Target (what women are to him). I hate to add any revenue to this guy's pocket or give any validity to his crap style of relationships, but if you can skim read (it's not well written) this book in the bookstore or steal it from your little brother's bookshelf (because really, it's that immature), you'll know what to watch out for at bars when a guy comes up to you and says: "Hey, can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?" Keep in mind, the next words out of his mouth will be a lie and probably start with: "I have this friend who has this problem....." Then, he'll work to sit and manipulate the conversation to focus on his pre-determined (usually untrue) story. Throughout it all, he'll try and break through defenses by breaking the personal space bubble by casually touching your arm. Warning - he'll act relatively disinterested and then will mention, "well, if you want me to let you know about this great party/club open/gallery" (whatever he lied about earlier) just enter your number into my phone and maybe I'll text you.
I've had this happen a few times with friends at bars. When you say "Oh Wow! You read The Game." in response to "Wow, you really would be short without those heels." or "My friend's in the bathroom, but I need advice on something....".
My ex, loyal follower of this methodology (and the person who loaned me the book), thinks I'm being mean by shooting guys down just for following the Game, but seriously. I don't want to be with anyone who starts a conversation with a lie.
That said, if you've employed this methodology and are in a happy, committed, loving relationship now, I'd love to hear from you. Getting the "kiss close" doesn't count.
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Oh, can't wait.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read that book or anything. However, if you were a socially awkward guy with no friends to help you figure it out, any advice would be better than nothing. Most men don't have the luxury of of being hit on. Even a not very attractive girl gets hit on in some way, shape, or form weekly, if not daily. They get the benefit of waiting until a man impresses her with his social skills (i.e. comfortable in his skin, is challenging, doesn't come across needy, etc.) before she even takes the time to find out if he is actually a good guy.
ReplyDeleteBeing a good guy that will care for, be faithful to, etc. is irrelevant if a guy cannot approach, build attraction & comfort, and escalate that to a romance. Kind of like being the best person for a job, but being the worst at writing a resume and at interviewing. I'm not saying the accidental romances don't happen, but to waiting for them to happen is like waiting to win the lottery.
As for the false stories (Keep in mind I haven't read the book, but have run across a blog or two about the PUA community). It is my understanding that they are only meant to be used as a crutch to help the awkward overcome their approach anxieties. If they have half a brain, I would think they would quickly learn to structure their own stories around the 'opinion opener' format.
Turns out there is a lot of terms and codes. These are basically a way for nerds and geeks to learn how to interact with others. How are you going to expect someone who sees the world logically to understand something that isn't very logical without a bridge.
They don't just study "pick up lines". They learn how to stand. How to escalate by means of kinostetics, and how to do things like not ignore the friends of the girl they want to talk to. These things don't come naturally to many guys. These are all natural things that happen in normal social interactions. Most of these guys just haven't got a clue. Let's face it. When it comes to body language, women came with the radar installed. Men have to have it put in aftermarket.
ReplyDeleteIf they are desperate enough these guys no longer care about a happy, long term relationship at this point. They have been shut down so much that they would be happy to just have some girls pay attention to them for a short bit. Maybe even get laid more than once every few years. When they are more competent with it and it is more natural, then he can focus on being able to be a part of the process of choosing a woman he is compatible with.
I would think you would give these guys a little credit. They are not sitting around playing the victim. They are actually trying (perhaps in a misguided way) to learn the tools to make a change in their lives and reach their goals. Let's face it if a guy is horrible meeting women, except for these PUA communities, there is NOWHERE that they can get help. Society is cruel and shuns them. Families tell them to 'just wait' and the right person will come along someday. They can't take a class at the local community college.
The guys writing the books and making a profession out of being a pick up artist....Well I'll give that. They are to some extent creepy. Even still they help many desperate men at least get up to par in the realm of social interaction and dating. You don't get mad a kid when they learn to ride a bike because they do it wrong, do you? If you care you encourage them, knowing some day they will be natural at it. very few people just pick up a bike and figure it out. The same with men and dating.
Your rant here is angry at the awkward stage of learning. Once a guy has figured these things out, and makes it his own you probably don't mind. Women as a whole do not, because these are the guys that get dates. The proof is in the pudding. So the next time a guy uses one of these routines, try having some empathy. It is the fact that women have shut him down and pushed him away, is why he is even resorting to learning something like that.
As an after thought, Have you read most women's magazines geared towards pre-teens and young women (i.e Cosmo, etc.) They are full of articles that teach girls about romance from a calculated and manipulative rules-based standpoint. Judge not....
Hey there Anon, Thanks for the feedback. I'll argue this: Online dating is designed for the socially awkward so that they don't have to stoop to the PUA bar rat level. It's in this realm that those of us that are more Jane Goodall than Jane Mansfield can truly shine. We sit back behind the comfort of our monitors and write our profiles searching for the right words to find our 'match'.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I think that if you set a precedent at the beginning of a relationship of dishonesty, it's not going to bode well. My ex is a notorious PUA, always has been, always will be. (example: I met his girlfriend on our first date 15+ years ago.) I just don't think a PUA the kind of guy I'd like to be in a relationship with or the type of guy with whom I'd want to see my girlfriends get involved. That said, I don't typically go to bars to pick up people, but rather to be the anthropologist of dating and observe all the rest of the monkeys try to get it on.
Then again, I'm single, so obviously haven't figured it all out.
Andrea