So, it's been over a year....

....since I last posted.  Not since I've been on a date.  But, in the last year, I've dated enough randomly horrible people to justify giving up dating until my kids are grown and out of the house (six years!). Tonight's stand-up by a doctor/alligator wrestler prompted me to have a free 45 minutes of time to reflect on the first dates I've had since my dog park date where the date's dog had an incredible fascination with my dog's hind end.

Here goes:

The Spider Man Aficionado - he has not one, but two, fully licensed Spider Man costumes and has collected nearly a thousand Spider Man figurines and comic books and has den in his basement dedicated to Spider Man worship.   He could not fathom that I could not recall which Spider Man movie was better and what features they missed in their scripts.

The Rodeo Clown - He only liked cover bands and truly only worked a few months a year during the rodeo circuit. Which leads me to...

The Cowboy Poser - This one may seem shallow, but when a dude shows up wearing this just because he knew I went to the University of Wyoming, but he'd never actually been to any "western" state except Colorado and definitely had never touched a horse (let alone figured out that I dislike most things country) it's just wrong...

The Family Bed - His kids were 5, 7 and 11 and they all shared a bed with him when they came to visit.  Enough said.  Disgusting.

The DVR Addict - If you're inviting me over to watch a movie or play a game, then don't just ignore me and watch a recorded football game.  Especially if it's one that I've seen.  I will give away every play.  Just a heads up. That next one?  He'll catch the ball out of bounds.  The one after that?  An interception and score.  I'm not anti-football.  I'm just anti-ignoring.  Especially on a second or third date.  And then, if you "shush" me when I'm giving away the play, don't be surprised if I just say I'm going to use the bathroom and magically disappear from your life.

The Prude - This one was weird, a guy that had only been on basically three dates in his whole life (and he was 39) felt weird because he was pretty convinced that I had far too much dating experience and by that, I think he meant that I'd slept with too many people.  Funny, we never actually had that conversation, just that he was looking for someone a little more "pure".

The Mama's Boy - If your testicles ascend when your mother calls and you speak as if they'll never drop again, we're not made for each other.  Calling your mother "mommy" and sharing that you're required to spend one hour a day playing chess or she throws things, does not make you attractive.

The Restraining Order - If you have a restraining order against your ex-wife for attacking you and one of your dates and she has one against you (for what reason, you surely can't explain!) you're probably no one that I even want to know, let alone someone that I'd want knowing where I live.

The Drunk Driver - Yes, this was not the first drunk driver I've dated (sadly there have been at least three), but potentially the first one that lost his license.  Please, please, don't pretend that you want to expose me to public transportation and urban living when really, you were pulled over and won't have your license until well into 2012 due to your excessive blood alcohol level.......

And that's not all, but I'm tired of describing them.

It's not like my list of must haves and can't stands are excessive.  It's pretty simple: Be kind, be funny, be trustworthy, be someone my kids could meet, and be responsible.

My plan?  (And this will definitely affect the blog posting...) Only go on dates if there's an actual reference from a live person that I know, and like.  Beyond that, nights at home practicing the piano and watching movies with the dogs beat out any horrible experiences as described above.

Ummm....excuse me, but your dog is humping my dog.

Chemistry.  That's what this dating thing is supposed to be about.   But, as Match.com tells me, 1 out of every 5 dating relationships happen because of online dating, we automatically take that first blush of random happenstance out of that first encounter. 

I often say that I'm going to end up meeting the man of my dreams at the dog park and my dating profile says Ideal First Date: "Let's take a cat to the dog park and see what happens." So, what better place to meet on a first date?

Mr. Humpy Pug Owner and I did the wink/wink email/email chat/chat thing on Match and then scheduled a bring your own coffee and we'll meet on a Saturday morning and get to know each other.  I brought Ebi, my beautiful golden retriever and he brought Mr. Pugsley, the Humping Pug.   From the moment I walked in the pug jumped on Ebi's back and refused to get down.  That dog was super, head over heels attracted to my pup. 

He and I?  Our eyes locked and.....No chemistry at all. I can't even really remember much about him.  And, considering Ebi bit Mr. Pugsley's ear, thereby prematurely (thankfully) ending the date?  I don't think she liked him much either.

Off the market....

After receiving an email that said "I think I seen you at my grocer store, but I m affraid to say hi"  <------his spelling...who looks like an unattractive, overweight Bret Michaels (this was his "best" photo), but happens to work....oh, wait, he's "between jobs" and wants to know if I'm 420 friendly....I've deleted my online dating profiles. 

That, and I think my ex-husband's girlfriend internet stalked me.  Kudos to her though.  I'd probably do the same thing.

And so, I'm leaving it to chance.  If Mr. Fiscal Conservative, Family Man, Brutally Honest/Trustworthy, Faithful, Sports Loving, Show Tune Tolerant, Stable, Bit of a Geek, Non-Mama's Boy (But Still Returns His Mama's Phone Calls), 30-45 year old Dude happens to live within a reasonable distance of 80128 exists who is a perfect match for this Pretty Geeky, Independent, Single Mom, Fiscally Conservative but will fight for Gay Marriage Rights and who is Pro-Choice, Non-Religious, Hell of a Cook and Scrabble Player, Sports Lover.....he'll have to meet me at either a) work, b) the grocery store (which I've changed since the creep above) or c) the dog park because that seems to be where I am on my very limited non-kid days.

Oh, the joy of dating. 

AP Style Guide

I would like to see someone edit this most recent email I received from PlentyOfFish.

Hi I'm Dane & your smile & pics caught my eye. Your profile was an interesting read especially about grammer and men. We do have our pet peeves and regardless if they might be shallow we do have them. One of mine is ugle feet, I just can't date a person with ugle feet or bad manors. Sounds quirky I know. I would enjoy hearing from you.

Since I do have the obviously shallow referrence to grammar in my profile, I'm wondering if I should write this dear boy back and let him know that my feet aren't uglY.  And that my manor is just fine and my manners are great too. 

Obviously I'm too shallow to date.

Oh, how I want to read this aloud...

just to get the full effect. Best dating profile of the week to contact me:

So I will tell you about what I really do on an average week. Monday 6:00 am my alarm goes off, I press snooze till usually about 6:45 and then I get up. But this is a bit of a lie because I have set my alarm clock 20 minutes fast as to trick myself into getting up on time. But now that I am use to this and I end up doing the math every morning in my head while half asleep. So this trick has really no effect. Then I get out of bed and tell my kids to quickly get dressed while I jump in the shower. After my shower I dry off and put in my contact lenses. At this point I go back to my kid’s rooms with a towel wrapped around me and yell at my kids for not getting out of bed the first time I told them to. Next I try to get dressed but have found that I never ironed my shirt that I swore I would the night before. So I half ass iron my shirt and get dressed. I then tell my kids to brush their teeth and I brush mine as well. Then I run down stairs to fix them some cereal and usually end up looking for someone’s shoe. After finding the shoe I check the kids tooth brushes and tell them to brush them for real this time. We some how make it into the car and we are all off to day care. After dropping the kids off at day care I proceed to work. While driving to work I realize I am the only one who did not eat breakfast. I have a 45 minute commute to work so I switch between 103.5 fox radio and 105.9 Alice. As it is Monday morning all employees are required to be at work 15 minutes early for the Monday morning meeting. When I arrive at work at 8:00 am sharp I am a bit aggravated to realize that I am again the only car in the parking lot. As employees start to trickle in the last person in is the manager who begins the meeting usually 30 minutes late. The meeting is supposed to last 15 minutes but usually last an hours and a half because my manager likes to think he is important. After the meeting I go back to my desk and surf the web usually till about noon when I start coordinating with the other employees about lunch. I like to take my lunch at noon as I am hungry from not eating breakfast and I am ready for a break. For my lunch I go to king soopers and get some pepperoni and cheese (I eat the same thing every day) and drive to Daniels Park between highlands ranch and castle pines and park and listen to the radio. I get back to work about 12:59 and then usually have to help a customer at this point. This helping of customers will usually last till about 2:30. will the madness never end.:o) Then I log on to my on line school classes and do my day’s home work at work. I am working on my batchlers at university of phoenix and will be done in December. I put a batchlers degree on my profile because I am so close to finishing. I finish my home work about 4:00 am them I just watch the TV for an hour or so. We have a plasma TV at work. It’s a bank. Sadly I am about the hardest working person at the bank. At about 5:30 I leave work and head to my parent’s house to pick up my kids. My parents pick up my kids from day care and feed them dinner for me. I pick up the kids and head home. We get home about 7:00pm and I get to hang with the kids for an hour or so and then get busy with the whole bath and bed time thing. By 9:00 the kids are in bed and I have about an hour to do dishes and laundry before I turn in for the night. If you want to hear about a typical Tuesday through Sunday just ask.

Be still my beating heart.

Out of the blue

When I break up with someone it's generally a forever thing. Only in high school did I ever do the hokey pokey of getting back together with someone once we broke up. When the marriage ended, it ended with no looking back. I've been the same way with dating. If, after a couple of dates, there's something that creeps me out or just generally a feeling that there's no future I'm pretty clear "Hey, you're a nice enough guy but...." and I usually follow that .... with whatever doesn't work for me. And, for the most part, the guys take it really well and all is good.

But, within the last few weeks I've heard from three of these guys out of the blue. It's like the 6-12 months since I last heard from them magically makes them: a) closer to my age; b) less smothering or c) more physically attractive.

I'm sticking to my guns. No re-treads.

Niche Dating

So, I've gone to more a niche online dating experience. I'm on a site just for single parents. I figured I'd be matched with people in my area that are going through the same thing I am and that understand my ridiculous schedule. And, for the most part, they're less like the guy blogged about last week and more like what I'm looking for. I'm in the midst of some fun email conversations, but due to my back to school schedule have yet to have free time to meet any of them. And they all seem to understand. Guys without kids don't get it.

I've been contacted though by people not even in the same state as me. Which seems weird. As a single mom, I hardly have time to even look at travel magazines, let alone travel for a relationship. This guy is from California. And, while maybe I shouldn't judge, what is this photo trying to say...."I really am a bargain hunter and I have a phone that I got in 1999."

So, while I doubt I'm going to run into Mr. Mug Shot from below on the Single Parent site, I'm thinking I'm still going to run into a few complete dorks.

Mr. Tot

"I love tater tots and I hate my kid."

No - this was not a sentence written by a date in an email, but it's how I remember this guy after our third date. First two dates, uneventful. Coffee at Starbucks (where he informed me he hated coffee) and a Bronco game (where the people seated around me informed me that he brings a lot of really stupid women to the game). But the third date was a Christmas party. I was still kindof getting to know the guy. 30 minutes of rushed, caffeinated conversation coupled with screaming at the Broncos to kill the Chiefs does not allow you to get to know someone well.

So, when Mr. Tot invited me to a client's Christmas party in south-suburbia I thought "what the hell". I met him at a neutral location (safety first, right?) and headed out into a blizzard with him towards Roxborough. He was a horrible driver, listened to country music the entire time and talked about how awful his kid was with the occasional mention about how great the food at this party always was.

When we showed up, people seemed surprised to see him, as if he was only invited out of courtesy. Turns out, he'd been laid off from a couple of positions where they had known him from. And, he didn't RSVP that he was bringing a date. And, did I mention, I just survived a harrowing snow storm driving with a guy who admitted it was probably his anger management issues which makes him not like his child. I had determined at that point that there was really no point in seeing him any more. But, he was my ride so I stuck around.

But the food, oh the food, was the memorable part of the evening. A cold spiral sliced ham and tater tot casserole. I'm not a huge fan of the tots. (Unless they're fried in the basement diner at my old dorm and covered in seasoned salt.) But if you shellac them with cream of mushroom soup and cover them with fried onions....I'm rather disgusted. But, dear Mr. Tot said it was the best darn tater tots I was ever going to eat in my life and proceeded to scoop up the biggest spoonful of the nastiness and throw it on my plate.

Covered my carrot sticks and everything.

Self Inflicted Blind Dating is Fun....

or maybe just funny.

After much cajoling by friends and family I've decided......it's time to write some of this shit down.

I was rereading parts of my journal of the last year and talking with friends, married and single and engaged, about the adventures of dating as a 30-something divorced mother of two. What I discovered is this: my experiences are not unique. They're not special. They are not "beautiful and unique snowflakes." My experiences are mimicked by single people, divorced people, married people who are dating (shame on you!) throughout the world. I just have a sense of humor about the whole blessed roller coaster ride.

So I'm going to take a deep breath and admit some of the best, the worst, the craziest. All names have been changed to quirky fake names to protect the innocent (or, simply because I've forgotten their names.)

More tomorrow.