"Looking for someone honest"

Honesty.  It's a huge part of developing a new relationship, and probably an even bigger part of why many of my relationships have failed.  I've always considered myself a huge stickler for honesty.  However, after careful consideration, I think I've been lying to myself all this time.  I'm not honest at all in my online dating responses. 

For example: this fine fellow here recently emailed me with a "Your cute, I promise you will be laughing in one minute with me."  (His spelling, his words.)  I totally lied to this guy and said "Thanks for the email, but I'm seeing someone right now."

His profile headline is "Looking for someone honest."  So, here goes (because I'm not honest enough to write this as a response).

Dear dbell99,

You indicate you'd like honesty in your next relationship so I'd like to provide my honest opinion in the hopes it helps you in the future with your online dating experience.  Honestly, just because it's the holidays it does not mean that you should post a picture in your Santa boxer shorts and your Steeler's Santa hat.  Some holiday photos say fun loving, this says weird.  I mean, really....what were you wearing before you put on this ensemble, or is this how you wake up on Christmas morn?   And secondly, in one of your other 12 profile pictures, you are wearing a very dirty sweatshirt.  While I'm not sure that the 10 other pictures show you to be an attractive man, they do seem to indicate that you are at least clean, which may be enough for some girls.  I understand that you're standing in front of an empty closet, so maybe this is your only option, but still.


You've asked for honesty, and here it is, you're just not the man for me.


Best of luck and Happy New Year.  (Oh and it's "you're" cute, not "your", just FYI.)


A

The Pick Up Artist.

For all my single friends, a warning, and for all my married friends, read on and just take a deep breath and be thankful you're safely coupled up.

There is a movement amongst the single men-children on this planet called The Game.  Neil Strauss, author/asshole, believes the best way to pick up women is to start a conversation with an insult and then attempt to build the woman back up through his advised wit and charm or to initiate a conversation based completely on a fabricated "opener" on a Target (what women are to him).   I hate to add any revenue to this guy's pocket or give any validity to his crap style of relationships, but if you can skim read (it's not well written) this book in the bookstore or steal it from your little brother's bookshelf (because really, it's that immature), you'll know what to watch out for at bars when a guy comes up to you and says:  "Hey, can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?"  Keep in mind, the next words out of his mouth will be a lie and probably start with: "I have this friend who has this problem....."  Then, he'll work to sit and manipulate the conversation to focus on his pre-determined (usually untrue) story.  Throughout it all, he'll try and break through defenses by breaking the personal space bubble by casually touching your arm.  Warning - he'll act relatively disinterested and then will mention, "well, if you want me to let you know about this great party/club open/gallery" (whatever he lied about earlier) just enter your number into my phone and maybe I'll text you.

I've had this happen a few times with friends at bars.  When you say "Oh Wow!  You read The Game." in response to "Wow, you really would be short without those heels." or "My friend's in the bathroom, but I need advice on something....".

My ex, loyal follower of this methodology (and the person who loaned me the book), thinks I'm being mean by shooting guys down just for following the Game, but seriously.  I don't want to be with anyone who starts a conversation with a lie.

That said, if you've employed this methodology and are in a happy, committed, loving relationship now, I'd love to hear from you.  Getting the "kiss close" doesn't count.

Please, please, don't pick me up when you're drunk.

So, Mr. Patience (formerly known as Mr. Bellyflop) who throughout the last several weeks has been quite understanding with my neurotically horrific schedule, asked if I wanted to go out to dinner on one of my completely kid free evenings. Dinner out? Yes. I wasn't sure there was a great connection here, but he was relaxing and kindof fun, so what the hell. (Yeah, I went for the steak.)

At dinner he got up to use the bathroom twice. I thought that was odd, especially for a dude. I guess if I dated women it would be more "natural", but I don't date women and thus, I don't get it when my date gets up twice to go to the bathroom.

During dinner we discussed movies and some of our favorites. The Departed is definitely one that I could watch multiple times. Especially with a newbie. Spoiler alert for those that haven't seen this brilliant film: When Leo's head explodes it's just a cinematically perfect moment. And so, since this guy knew my address already I figured he could come back to my place and we could watch a movie. Seemed like a good Sunday night activity. Potential for some high-schoolesque making out, but not really anything more. That is, until....

He revealed that he was too drunk to probably do "very much" with me tonight because, well, he'd had multiple drinks at the Bronco party before picking me up and thus, well, couldn't......you get the point (which he couldn't....sorry).

Here's the issue:

#1 - I wasn't necessarily planning on sleeping with him. I don't know him very well, there's no crazy chemistry and I'm picky.

#2 - "You picked me up drunk?!?!" This really was #1, but I figured I should reveal the other first in case my parents read this. (I'm a first born and seek approval.) He was sheepish, but said that he didn't think it would affect anything. Ummmmm. Not okay. He's a big guy and wasn't showing any signs of intoxication when he came to my door (maybe the chronic urination should have revealed something to me), but I rode in a car with him. I informed him that as a single mom and really the only reliable parent my kids have, it's pretty damned important that I not do stupid shit like get in the car with a guy who's had that much to drink. And so, he went home, I took a sleeping pill and had a blissful kid free evening.

Oh and, #3 - He used the phrase "don't matter none to me" once during dinner. Without #2, I still probably would have ended it.

The Fade Out.

We believe he was hit by a bus. Pray for his mother.

My dear friend Beth shared this line in response to a recent "fade out" where I was on the receiving end. I've never been here before. I've given the "fade", but never received it and now am not sure I'll ever give it again.

For those dating neophytes a fade out is when you simply slow down the responses to texting or phone calls until you simply just don't call or text back. It's generally used most effectively after first or second dates when the chemistry just isn't there or they said something a little over the top. Or at least that's when I employ it. So, when I was the fade-ed instead of the fade-er I immediately began to second guess myself. "Was it something I said?" "Was I a bad kisser?" "Did he read this blog and realize that I was going to write about my experience?"

And then I realized. I put aboslutely no thought into the fade out when I'm the fade-er. There just wasn't a connection and it was time for it to disolve. No need to overanalyze. Just move on to the next one and enjoy.

Fade out.

Taking Time.

If you know me, you know that I have very little spare time. I'm the primary parent for my kids, by choice, it's the best thing for them. And, since I juggle their activity and school schedules with my work and volunteer schedules it leaves very little free time in which to date. I suppose for the right guy I'll make the time, but definitely not for this guy who emails.

I am just getting out of messy situation with a girl who thought we were a couple but she never saw me anyway. I am not looking to date, just looking to talk at the moment. If you can handle that...let's talk.

So, if I don't have time to date, do I have time to "talk". Seriously.

And, well, he says he's 5'10", but unless all of his friends are 6'5" or greater, I'm thinking he's more like 5'6". More on 5'10" later.

Oh, how I want to read this aloud...

just to get the full effect. Best dating profile of the week to contact me:

So I will tell you about what I really do on an average week. Monday 6:00 am my alarm goes off, I press snooze till usually about 6:45 and then I get up. But this is a bit of a lie because I have set my alarm clock 20 minutes fast as to trick myself into getting up on time. But now that I am use to this and I end up doing the math every morning in my head while half asleep. So this trick has really no effect. Then I get out of bed and tell my kids to quickly get dressed while I jump in the shower. After my shower I dry off and put in my contact lenses. At this point I go back to my kid’s rooms with a towel wrapped around me and yell at my kids for not getting out of bed the first time I told them to. Next I try to get dressed but have found that I never ironed my shirt that I swore I would the night before. So I half ass iron my shirt and get dressed. I then tell my kids to brush their teeth and I brush mine as well. Then I run down stairs to fix them some cereal and usually end up looking for someone’s shoe. After finding the shoe I check the kids tooth brushes and tell them to brush them for real this time. We some how make it into the car and we are all off to day care. After dropping the kids off at day care I proceed to work. While driving to work I realize I am the only one who did not eat breakfast. I have a 45 minute commute to work so I switch between 103.5 fox radio and 105.9 Alice. As it is Monday morning all employees are required to be at work 15 minutes early for the Monday morning meeting. When I arrive at work at 8:00 am sharp I am a bit aggravated to realize that I am again the only car in the parking lot. As employees start to trickle in the last person in is the manager who begins the meeting usually 30 minutes late. The meeting is supposed to last 15 minutes but usually last an hours and a half because my manager likes to think he is important. After the meeting I go back to my desk and surf the web usually till about noon when I start coordinating with the other employees about lunch. I like to take my lunch at noon as I am hungry from not eating breakfast and I am ready for a break. For my lunch I go to king soopers and get some pepperoni and cheese (I eat the same thing every day) and drive to Daniels Park between highlands ranch and castle pines and park and listen to the radio. I get back to work about 12:59 and then usually have to help a customer at this point. This helping of customers will usually last till about 2:30. will the madness never end.:o) Then I log on to my on line school classes and do my day’s home work at work. I am working on my batchlers at university of phoenix and will be done in December. I put a batchlers degree on my profile because I am so close to finishing. I finish my home work about 4:00 am them I just watch the TV for an hour or so. We have a plasma TV at work. It’s a bank. Sadly I am about the hardest working person at the bank. At about 5:30 I leave work and head to my parent’s house to pick up my kids. My parents pick up my kids from day care and feed them dinner for me. I pick up the kids and head home. We get home about 7:00pm and I get to hang with the kids for an hour or so and then get busy with the whole bath and bed time thing. By 9:00 the kids are in bed and I have about an hour to do dishes and laundry before I turn in for the night. If you want to hear about a typical Tuesday through Sunday just ask.

Be still my beating heart.

Hmmmm....

Well, my opinion may have changed since that last post. Grinning. Biting my lip. Very fun evening.

Juggling

So, I'm still looking forward to seeing Mr. Bellyflop again if schedules overlap, but I'm also looking forward to seeing Mr. Political Consultant again as well.

I've never been much of a player in my life. I like a guy and if magically he likes me back, I'm typically focused on that until it ends. The player world seems like a place that the ex fits in better.

But, each of these guys seems to satisfy something that I'm looking for - brains and stability and goofiness and relaxation.

I'm sure I won't juggle for long and who knows if either of these will be a "catch".

They all blend together.

Each guy I've dated over the last few years is unique. Most are tall, some are short (just a strange preference); all have jobs and smart (just a prerequisite); some are young, some are old; bald, hairy, black, white; but last night I went on my second date who was featured on ESPN for being #2 at something (See Mr. Air) as well as loves Tater Tot Casserole (see Mr. Tot). But strangely, neither of those things bothered me with this one. I still think tater tot casserole is gross though.

Responses to my profile

My eHarmony profile is totally different than my PlentyOfFish profile. (See below for the eHarmony must haves/can't stands). My POF profile is more casual, much like the dates.

I enjoy spending time with people that have a quirky sense of humor and live life passionately. I'm best summed up as a bit of a nerd who really enjoys sports (mostly baseball and football) and plays a mean piano who has incredibly diverse taste in music from punk to classical, retro to rock (but don't really like country or jazz). I'm mostly just looking for someone that wants to have a fun, stress-free time heading to events or just hanging out. If it grows into more, great. I'm up for that too.

I will admit, and call me shallow if you will, to being turned off by emails where too/to/two and your/you're/yore are used incorrectly. Ideally, you might be a person who could play Scrabble or provide some witty banter and I find the grammatical litmus test of the first email to be a good indicator of chemistry.

And yes, I have kids and they rock. I don't mix kids and dating, but definitely understand the single parent schedule better than just the single guy schedule.

If you're a dog person, maybe meet up at a dog park with some iced tea and watch the dogs play. If you're a cat person, I suppose that's a horrible place to meet, but I'm open for suggestions. I love coffee on a patio and beer on a patio almost equally, but not at the same time, so either of those would work too.

Or, let's go play bocce in a park and chat while throwing things.

So, by saying that, why do I get contacted by this guy?

hey im donny i love pool and actin a fool im allways bein funny and i have a great personality if you dont like tattoos you wont like me i listen to metal and punk i hate the snow lol and i am not allways a serious person more of a jokester i have 2 daughters destiny and nevaeh and i have pittys i love em i also have long blond hair so if ya dont like long hair im out lol well if theres anything else you wanna know ask ill tell im not shy ;) ok i guess i should tell you im a dog lover and i am looking for a serious relasionship i would really like to meet some cool people along the way but if you just wanna be buddies i guess thats cool but if you read this im looking for my bonnie ill be ur clyde i need a partner in crime someone i can lauph with n she will know exatilly why i know your outthere so pleaseeeeeeee send me a mesage o-ya im also a ful time student wich is good times so i dont have much time but the time i do have i would like to spend it with some1 cuddilin or playin or whatever as long as we are happy thats what lifes about rite? 1 more thing i love the green bay packers and chocklete lol

I'm so glad I have a sense of humor!