Ummm....excuse me, but your dog is humping my dog.

Chemistry.  That's what this dating thing is supposed to be about.   But, as Match.com tells me, 1 out of every 5 dating relationships happen because of online dating, we automatically take that first blush of random happenstance out of that first encounter. 

I often say that I'm going to end up meeting the man of my dreams at the dog park and my dating profile says Ideal First Date: "Let's take a cat to the dog park and see what happens." So, what better place to meet on a first date?

Mr. Humpy Pug Owner and I did the wink/wink email/email chat/chat thing on Match and then scheduled a bring your own coffee and we'll meet on a Saturday morning and get to know each other.  I brought Ebi, my beautiful golden retriever and he brought Mr. Pugsley, the Humping Pug.   From the moment I walked in the pug jumped on Ebi's back and refused to get down.  That dog was super, head over heels attracted to my pup. 

He and I?  Our eyes locked and.....No chemistry at all. I can't even really remember much about him.  And, considering Ebi bit Mr. Pugsley's ear, thereby prematurely (thankfully) ending the date?  I don't think she liked him much either.

Plagiarizing a true gem

Sometimes, when I'm thinking about what to write here, I visit my favorite free dating website's Inbox for some inspiration.  And, I'll admit, sometimes I wonder....what would it be like to go out just once with this guy just to see if I can get another side splitting story.  Instead I'm just going to plagiarize his entire profile for a side splitting laugh. FYI He suggested Santa's Workshop in Colorado Springs as a good place to meet for the first time:

ok so im revamping my profile just because i can =). about me...i love the outdoors and the moutions are were i find alot of peace. iv lived in the springs sence i was 6months old. i love colorado, even the weather. i own 3 turtles. im a dog lover but cant have one were i live.

the relationships i have with friends and family are very important to me. i know there is a god but im not religious. i seek to be a spiritual person. a good ideal to live by is, wanting what i have instead of having what i want. because that doesnt nessasarily mean you find happyness that way. i do know alot of interesting but usless facts :) they intreage me.

im not a pc kind of guy and if im wearing pink its because no one actually showed me how to do laundry. haha. just to let you all know i dont drink or some weed but if you do thats fine. its just not my thing anymore. if that makes you feel wierd ummmmm owell :)lol

as for this site i figured out that no im not filling out an "application to be hired" im looking for an equal that will take interest in me also. im very family orientated. its the most important thing there is.

ill leave you with this poem.

love is like a rose, gentel and buitiful, but willing to shed blood in its defence.

.ok ladies one more thing. if you say you want to meet and never end up doing it or keep canceling or not even call to say whats up. for real whats the fkn point? DONT WAIST MY TIME. im not waisting yours.

I promise.  I won't "waist" his time.

Off the market....

After receiving an email that said "I think I seen you at my grocer store, but I m affraid to say hi"  <------his spelling...who looks like an unattractive, overweight Bret Michaels (this was his "best" photo), but happens to work....oh, wait, he's "between jobs" and wants to know if I'm 420 friendly....I've deleted my online dating profiles. 

That, and I think my ex-husband's girlfriend internet stalked me.  Kudos to her though.  I'd probably do the same thing.

And so, I'm leaving it to chance.  If Mr. Fiscal Conservative, Family Man, Brutally Honest/Trustworthy, Faithful, Sports Loving, Show Tune Tolerant, Stable, Bit of a Geek, Non-Mama's Boy (But Still Returns His Mama's Phone Calls), 30-45 year old Dude happens to live within a reasonable distance of 80128 exists who is a perfect match for this Pretty Geeky, Independent, Single Mom, Fiscally Conservative but will fight for Gay Marriage Rights and who is Pro-Choice, Non-Religious, Hell of a Cook and Scrabble Player, Sports Lover.....he'll have to meet me at either a) work, b) the grocery store (which I've changed since the creep above) or c) the dog park because that seems to be where I am on my very limited non-kid days.

Oh, the joy of dating. 

AP Style Guide

I would like to see someone edit this most recent email I received from PlentyOfFish.

Hi I'm Dane & your smile & pics caught my eye. Your profile was an interesting read especially about grammer and men. We do have our pet peeves and regardless if they might be shallow we do have them. One of mine is ugle feet, I just can't date a person with ugle feet or bad manors. Sounds quirky I know. I would enjoy hearing from you.

Since I do have the obviously shallow referrence to grammar in my profile, I'm wondering if I should write this dear boy back and let him know that my feet aren't uglY.  And that my manor is just fine and my manners are great too. 

Obviously I'm too shallow to date.

If I could date my Google Calendar, I totally would.

It's really the only thing in my life that truly, deeply, understands me.  Sometimes I log into calendar.google.com just to admire it.  But, it doesn't always allow me to date.  It's a jealous calendar.

Dear Biker Bar Waitress, May I see the wine list?

I didn't say this.  But my date did.  My dear friends, who all desire that I couple up sooner rather than later, were introducing me to a new set of folks and said "Oh, you have to hear some of Andrea's horrible dating stories, they're hilarious!" and proceeded to share this gem that I'd long since forgotten.

Last summer, when I was attempting to both avoid dating and force myself out of  my blissful solitude, I went on a date with a guy from PlentyOfFish.  (I've since tried to recreate my search to see if I can find a crazy picture of him. Alas, I can't remember even how old he was.)

After chatting online about likes/dislikes we determined we had a shared love of summer evenings on patios in common which seemed like enough reason to meet.  And so, he suggested that we meet at the Platte River Bar and Grill off Santa Fe. It's a fun enough place, a great place to meet up with friends for a bucket of beers, kindof a loser place in the winter, but summer it's fantastic. It's not a classy place, but it beats Starbucks on a 95 degree day.  And so, we meet.  Remember, this is his suggestion as he says he "loves" this bar. 

So, I arrive.  On time.  I'm always on time.  . 

Twenty minutes later, he arrives.  I couldn't tell you what his name is, what he looked like, or much else.  But I do remember he was late.  Because I'd already ordered a beer.

He sits down and apologizes for running behind.  Our waitress returns and the following is their conversation, verbatim (or as it would play out in the movie of my life.)

Waitress:  "Hey doll, what can I get you to drink?"
Dude:  "Can I see your wine list?"

Cue sound of screeching record and all patrons of the restaurant turning to stare.  Men in leather biker chaps and wife beaters, girlfriends in not much more, with jaws dropped.

Waitress: "Huh?"
Dude:  "Do you have a wine list?"

Waitress: "Ummmmmm.....no, we have two whites and two reds, I think."
Dude:  "What would you recommend?"

Beat.

Waitress:  "Beer."

Waitress then proceeds to give me a withering look like I was out with an absolute fool. 

I vaguely remember the next 30 minutes as being rather painful.  His Chardonnay arrived and he proceeded to try and get me to high five him if I agreed with what he was saying. 

I pulled the "My babysitter just texted" card and left before he could order a second glass.

Going Mamma Bear on my dating self.

My kids are my life.  As a couple of my friends have reminded me, this is new since the divorce.  Don't get me wrong, I've always loved my children.  It's just that in the last three years I've truly begun to get to know them.  I'm not stressed (well, not as stressed).  I hardly yell.  I let things go. I've turned into a total Mamma Bear.  I am, as these friends say, a better mom now than I was when I was married.

But, to be honest, I've also used my kiddos as a shield to help prevent me into getting involved in anything real.  They're an incredible excuse to have when you're on a date.  I don't know how single women without kids escape from bad date situations.  Saying you have to pick them up from the ex/sitter/friend's is such a quick and easy way to ditch a situation.  And who's going to call you out on that?

But, here's the other things I do, as a hyper sensitive single mom, when dating, which maybe aren't exclusive to single moms at all, but just smart things for single women to do:

I don't let the guy know the ages or genders of my kids on a first or second date.  I'm deathly afraid of some guy trolling these dating sites looking for a mom of a young boy/girl in their target age. 

My address is very protected.  With the exception of Mr. Bellyflop and The Happy Meal Toy very few of the men that I've dated know my address.  I suppose they could look it up.  That is if they knew my last name. 

My last name.  I don't often tell it. It rarely comes up.  Guys think that I've told them, and then feel stupid about asking. I have a specific email address that's just for my blind dating that doesn't have this information.  Here's the deal.  The moment I know your last name I'm Googling you.  (Reminds me of one of the best Amanda Palmer song as of late.....).  Because I do this, I assume others do this as well.  My last name changed and my ex-name is much more hit upon than the new one, so there's a buffer. 

I take photos of or write down license plate numbers.  I forward dating profiles to friends before I go out.  I arrive early and look for parking close to the meeting place.  I have a rather unique vehicle, so it's difficult for me to avoid them remembering that I'm in an Orange Honda Element, but still.  Now granted, I'm taking a risk every time I go on one of these dates and if they were of the psychotic persuasion, I guess I'm basically screwed, but for the most part I haven't had any issues. 

 Oh, and I definitely don't let them know about this blog.

Bad advice is gender neutral

An anonymous follower of this missive brought up an interesting point after my rant about the Pick Up Artist.   Shares Anon:

"Have you read most women's magazines geared towards pre-teens and young women (i.e Cosmo, etc.) They are full of articles that teach girls about romance from a calculated and manipulative rules-based standpoint. Judge not...."

And, as I like to tell my kids.  I judge.  And harshly.  As slimy and smarmy I think the Neil Strauss PUA POS book is, I believe Cosmo and the other girl rags are even worse.  I believe those magazines create the kind of women that are happy being one of Tiger Wood's 14 mistresses, or a "look the other way" wife like many of us are expected to be.

I think the same rule applies.  If you start a relationship, either as a man or woman, from a manipulative, rules-based standpoint, it's going to fail. 

So whether you are a guy and aspire to this:

Or a girl that needs this type of advice I judge you harshly.  Stop taking advice from these types of publications or people.  The world is full of shit-heads like Tiger, we don't need any more.  Relax, be yourself, and just say "Hi."  Works every time.

"Looking for someone honest"

Honesty.  It's a huge part of developing a new relationship, and probably an even bigger part of why many of my relationships have failed.  I've always considered myself a huge stickler for honesty.  However, after careful consideration, I think I've been lying to myself all this time.  I'm not honest at all in my online dating responses. 

For example: this fine fellow here recently emailed me with a "Your cute, I promise you will be laughing in one minute with me."  (His spelling, his words.)  I totally lied to this guy and said "Thanks for the email, but I'm seeing someone right now."

His profile headline is "Looking for someone honest."  So, here goes (because I'm not honest enough to write this as a response).

Dear dbell99,

You indicate you'd like honesty in your next relationship so I'd like to provide my honest opinion in the hopes it helps you in the future with your online dating experience.  Honestly, just because it's the holidays it does not mean that you should post a picture in your Santa boxer shorts and your Steeler's Santa hat.  Some holiday photos say fun loving, this says weird.  I mean, really....what were you wearing before you put on this ensemble, or is this how you wake up on Christmas morn?   And secondly, in one of your other 12 profile pictures, you are wearing a very dirty sweatshirt.  While I'm not sure that the 10 other pictures show you to be an attractive man, they do seem to indicate that you are at least clean, which may be enough for some girls.  I understand that you're standing in front of an empty closet, so maybe this is your only option, but still.


You've asked for honesty, and here it is, you're just not the man for me.


Best of luck and Happy New Year.  (Oh and it's "you're" cute, not "your", just FYI.)


A

The Pick Up Artist.

For all my single friends, a warning, and for all my married friends, read on and just take a deep breath and be thankful you're safely coupled up.

There is a movement amongst the single men-children on this planet called The Game.  Neil Strauss, author/asshole, believes the best way to pick up women is to start a conversation with an insult and then attempt to build the woman back up through his advised wit and charm or to initiate a conversation based completely on a fabricated "opener" on a Target (what women are to him).   I hate to add any revenue to this guy's pocket or give any validity to his crap style of relationships, but if you can skim read (it's not well written) this book in the bookstore or steal it from your little brother's bookshelf (because really, it's that immature), you'll know what to watch out for at bars when a guy comes up to you and says:  "Hey, can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?"  Keep in mind, the next words out of his mouth will be a lie and probably start with: "I have this friend who has this problem....."  Then, he'll work to sit and manipulate the conversation to focus on his pre-determined (usually untrue) story.  Throughout it all, he'll try and break through defenses by breaking the personal space bubble by casually touching your arm.  Warning - he'll act relatively disinterested and then will mention, "well, if you want me to let you know about this great party/club open/gallery" (whatever he lied about earlier) just enter your number into my phone and maybe I'll text you.

I've had this happen a few times with friends at bars.  When you say "Oh Wow!  You read The Game." in response to "Wow, you really would be short without those heels." or "My friend's in the bathroom, but I need advice on something....".

My ex, loyal follower of this methodology (and the person who loaned me the book), thinks I'm being mean by shooting guys down just for following the Game, but seriously.  I don't want to be with anyone who starts a conversation with a lie.

That said, if you've employed this methodology and are in a happy, committed, loving relationship now, I'd love to hear from you.  Getting the "kiss close" doesn't count.