Bad advice is gender neutral

An anonymous follower of this missive brought up an interesting point after my rant about the Pick Up Artist.   Shares Anon:

"Have you read most women's magazines geared towards pre-teens and young women (i.e Cosmo, etc.) They are full of articles that teach girls about romance from a calculated and manipulative rules-based standpoint. Judge not...."

And, as I like to tell my kids.  I judge.  And harshly.  As slimy and smarmy I think the Neil Strauss PUA POS book is, I believe Cosmo and the other girl rags are even worse.  I believe those magazines create the kind of women that are happy being one of Tiger Wood's 14 mistresses, or a "look the other way" wife like many of us are expected to be.

I think the same rule applies.  If you start a relationship, either as a man or woman, from a manipulative, rules-based standpoint, it's going to fail. 

So whether you are a guy and aspire to this:

Or a girl that needs this type of advice I judge you harshly.  Stop taking advice from these types of publications or people.  The world is full of shit-heads like Tiger, we don't need any more.  Relax, be yourself, and just say "Hi."  Works every time.

"Looking for someone honest"

Honesty.  It's a huge part of developing a new relationship, and probably an even bigger part of why many of my relationships have failed.  I've always considered myself a huge stickler for honesty.  However, after careful consideration, I think I've been lying to myself all this time.  I'm not honest at all in my online dating responses. 

For example: this fine fellow here recently emailed me with a "Your cute, I promise you will be laughing in one minute with me."  (His spelling, his words.)  I totally lied to this guy and said "Thanks for the email, but I'm seeing someone right now."

His profile headline is "Looking for someone honest."  So, here goes (because I'm not honest enough to write this as a response).

Dear dbell99,

You indicate you'd like honesty in your next relationship so I'd like to provide my honest opinion in the hopes it helps you in the future with your online dating experience.  Honestly, just because it's the holidays it does not mean that you should post a picture in your Santa boxer shorts and your Steeler's Santa hat.  Some holiday photos say fun loving, this says weird.  I mean, really....what were you wearing before you put on this ensemble, or is this how you wake up on Christmas morn?   And secondly, in one of your other 12 profile pictures, you are wearing a very dirty sweatshirt.  While I'm not sure that the 10 other pictures show you to be an attractive man, they do seem to indicate that you are at least clean, which may be enough for some girls.  I understand that you're standing in front of an empty closet, so maybe this is your only option, but still.


You've asked for honesty, and here it is, you're just not the man for me.


Best of luck and Happy New Year.  (Oh and it's "you're" cute, not "your", just FYI.)


A

The Pick Up Artist.

For all my single friends, a warning, and for all my married friends, read on and just take a deep breath and be thankful you're safely coupled up.

There is a movement amongst the single men-children on this planet called The Game.  Neil Strauss, author/asshole, believes the best way to pick up women is to start a conversation with an insult and then attempt to build the woman back up through his advised wit and charm or to initiate a conversation based completely on a fabricated "opener" on a Target (what women are to him).   I hate to add any revenue to this guy's pocket or give any validity to his crap style of relationships, but if you can skim read (it's not well written) this book in the bookstore or steal it from your little brother's bookshelf (because really, it's that immature), you'll know what to watch out for at bars when a guy comes up to you and says:  "Hey, can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?"  Keep in mind, the next words out of his mouth will be a lie and probably start with: "I have this friend who has this problem....."  Then, he'll work to sit and manipulate the conversation to focus on his pre-determined (usually untrue) story.  Throughout it all, he'll try and break through defenses by breaking the personal space bubble by casually touching your arm.  Warning - he'll act relatively disinterested and then will mention, "well, if you want me to let you know about this great party/club open/gallery" (whatever he lied about earlier) just enter your number into my phone and maybe I'll text you.

I've had this happen a few times with friends at bars.  When you say "Oh Wow!  You read The Game." in response to "Wow, you really would be short without those heels." or "My friend's in the bathroom, but I need advice on something....".

My ex, loyal follower of this methodology (and the person who loaned me the book), thinks I'm being mean by shooting guys down just for following the Game, but seriously.  I don't want to be with anyone who starts a conversation with a lie.

That said, if you've employed this methodology and are in a happy, committed, loving relationship now, I'd love to hear from you.  Getting the "kiss close" doesn't count.

Please, please, don't pick me up when you're drunk.

So, Mr. Patience (formerly known as Mr. Bellyflop) who throughout the last several weeks has been quite understanding with my neurotically horrific schedule, asked if I wanted to go out to dinner on one of my completely kid free evenings. Dinner out? Yes. I wasn't sure there was a great connection here, but he was relaxing and kindof fun, so what the hell. (Yeah, I went for the steak.)

At dinner he got up to use the bathroom twice. I thought that was odd, especially for a dude. I guess if I dated women it would be more "natural", but I don't date women and thus, I don't get it when my date gets up twice to go to the bathroom.

During dinner we discussed movies and some of our favorites. The Departed is definitely one that I could watch multiple times. Especially with a newbie. Spoiler alert for those that haven't seen this brilliant film: When Leo's head explodes it's just a cinematically perfect moment. And so, since this guy knew my address already I figured he could come back to my place and we could watch a movie. Seemed like a good Sunday night activity. Potential for some high-schoolesque making out, but not really anything more. That is, until....

He revealed that he was too drunk to probably do "very much" with me tonight because, well, he'd had multiple drinks at the Bronco party before picking me up and thus, well, couldn't......you get the point (which he couldn't....sorry).

Here's the issue:

#1 - I wasn't necessarily planning on sleeping with him. I don't know him very well, there's no crazy chemistry and I'm picky.

#2 - "You picked me up drunk?!?!" This really was #1, but I figured I should reveal the other first in case my parents read this. (I'm a first born and seek approval.) He was sheepish, but said that he didn't think it would affect anything. Ummmmm. Not okay. He's a big guy and wasn't showing any signs of intoxication when he came to my door (maybe the chronic urination should have revealed something to me), but I rode in a car with him. I informed him that as a single mom and really the only reliable parent my kids have, it's pretty damned important that I not do stupid shit like get in the car with a guy who's had that much to drink. And so, he went home, I took a sleeping pill and had a blissful kid free evening.

Oh and, #3 - He used the phrase "don't matter none to me" once during dinner. Without #2, I still probably would have ended it.

The Fade Out.

We believe he was hit by a bus. Pray for his mother.

My dear friend Beth shared this line in response to a recent "fade out" where I was on the receiving end. I've never been here before. I've given the "fade", but never received it and now am not sure I'll ever give it again.

For those dating neophytes a fade out is when you simply slow down the responses to texting or phone calls until you simply just don't call or text back. It's generally used most effectively after first or second dates when the chemistry just isn't there or they said something a little over the top. Or at least that's when I employ it. So, when I was the fade-ed instead of the fade-er I immediately began to second guess myself. "Was it something I said?" "Was I a bad kisser?" "Did he read this blog and realize that I was going to write about my experience?"

And then I realized. I put aboslutely no thought into the fade out when I'm the fade-er. There just wasn't a connection and it was time for it to disolve. No need to overanalyze. Just move on to the next one and enjoy.

Fade out.

Taking Time.

If you know me, you know that I have very little spare time. I'm the primary parent for my kids, by choice, it's the best thing for them. And, since I juggle their activity and school schedules with my work and volunteer schedules it leaves very little free time in which to date. I suppose for the right guy I'll make the time, but definitely not for this guy who emails.

I am just getting out of messy situation with a girl who thought we were a couple but she never saw me anyway. I am not looking to date, just looking to talk at the moment. If you can handle that...let's talk.

So, if I don't have time to date, do I have time to "talk". Seriously.

And, well, he says he's 5'10", but unless all of his friends are 6'5" or greater, I'm thinking he's more like 5'6". More on 5'10" later.

Oh, how I want to read this aloud...

just to get the full effect. Best dating profile of the week to contact me:

So I will tell you about what I really do on an average week. Monday 6:00 am my alarm goes off, I press snooze till usually about 6:45 and then I get up. But this is a bit of a lie because I have set my alarm clock 20 minutes fast as to trick myself into getting up on time. But now that I am use to this and I end up doing the math every morning in my head while half asleep. So this trick has really no effect. Then I get out of bed and tell my kids to quickly get dressed while I jump in the shower. After my shower I dry off and put in my contact lenses. At this point I go back to my kid’s rooms with a towel wrapped around me and yell at my kids for not getting out of bed the first time I told them to. Next I try to get dressed but have found that I never ironed my shirt that I swore I would the night before. So I half ass iron my shirt and get dressed. I then tell my kids to brush their teeth and I brush mine as well. Then I run down stairs to fix them some cereal and usually end up looking for someone’s shoe. After finding the shoe I check the kids tooth brushes and tell them to brush them for real this time. We some how make it into the car and we are all off to day care. After dropping the kids off at day care I proceed to work. While driving to work I realize I am the only one who did not eat breakfast. I have a 45 minute commute to work so I switch between 103.5 fox radio and 105.9 Alice. As it is Monday morning all employees are required to be at work 15 minutes early for the Monday morning meeting. When I arrive at work at 8:00 am sharp I am a bit aggravated to realize that I am again the only car in the parking lot. As employees start to trickle in the last person in is the manager who begins the meeting usually 30 minutes late. The meeting is supposed to last 15 minutes but usually last an hours and a half because my manager likes to think he is important. After the meeting I go back to my desk and surf the web usually till about noon when I start coordinating with the other employees about lunch. I like to take my lunch at noon as I am hungry from not eating breakfast and I am ready for a break. For my lunch I go to king soopers and get some pepperoni and cheese (I eat the same thing every day) and drive to Daniels Park between highlands ranch and castle pines and park and listen to the radio. I get back to work about 12:59 and then usually have to help a customer at this point. This helping of customers will usually last till about 2:30. will the madness never end.:o) Then I log on to my on line school classes and do my day’s home work at work. I am working on my batchlers at university of phoenix and will be done in December. I put a batchlers degree on my profile because I am so close to finishing. I finish my home work about 4:00 am them I just watch the TV for an hour or so. We have a plasma TV at work. It’s a bank. Sadly I am about the hardest working person at the bank. At about 5:30 I leave work and head to my parent’s house to pick up my kids. My parents pick up my kids from day care and feed them dinner for me. I pick up the kids and head home. We get home about 7:00pm and I get to hang with the kids for an hour or so and then get busy with the whole bath and bed time thing. By 9:00 the kids are in bed and I have about an hour to do dishes and laundry before I turn in for the night. If you want to hear about a typical Tuesday through Sunday just ask.

Be still my beating heart.

Hmmmm....

Well, my opinion may have changed since that last post. Grinning. Biting my lip. Very fun evening.

Juggling

So, I'm still looking forward to seeing Mr. Bellyflop again if schedules overlap, but I'm also looking forward to seeing Mr. Political Consultant again as well.

I've never been much of a player in my life. I like a guy and if magically he likes me back, I'm typically focused on that until it ends. The player world seems like a place that the ex fits in better.

But, each of these guys seems to satisfy something that I'm looking for - brains and stability and goofiness and relaxation.

I'm sure I won't juggle for long and who knows if either of these will be a "catch".

They all blend together.

Each guy I've dated over the last few years is unique. Most are tall, some are short (just a strange preference); all have jobs and smart (just a prerequisite); some are young, some are old; bald, hairy, black, white; but last night I went on my second date who was featured on ESPN for being #2 at something (See Mr. Air) as well as loves Tater Tot Casserole (see Mr. Tot). But strangely, neither of those things bothered me with this one. I still think tater tot casserole is gross though.

Responses to my profile

My eHarmony profile is totally different than my PlentyOfFish profile. (See below for the eHarmony must haves/can't stands). My POF profile is more casual, much like the dates.

I enjoy spending time with people that have a quirky sense of humor and live life passionately. I'm best summed up as a bit of a nerd who really enjoys sports (mostly baseball and football) and plays a mean piano who has incredibly diverse taste in music from punk to classical, retro to rock (but don't really like country or jazz). I'm mostly just looking for someone that wants to have a fun, stress-free time heading to events or just hanging out. If it grows into more, great. I'm up for that too.

I will admit, and call me shallow if you will, to being turned off by emails where too/to/two and your/you're/yore are used incorrectly. Ideally, you might be a person who could play Scrabble or provide some witty banter and I find the grammatical litmus test of the first email to be a good indicator of chemistry.

And yes, I have kids and they rock. I don't mix kids and dating, but definitely understand the single parent schedule better than just the single guy schedule.

If you're a dog person, maybe meet up at a dog park with some iced tea and watch the dogs play. If you're a cat person, I suppose that's a horrible place to meet, but I'm open for suggestions. I love coffee on a patio and beer on a patio almost equally, but not at the same time, so either of those would work too.

Or, let's go play bocce in a park and chat while throwing things.

So, by saying that, why do I get contacted by this guy?

hey im donny i love pool and actin a fool im allways bein funny and i have a great personality if you dont like tattoos you wont like me i listen to metal and punk i hate the snow lol and i am not allways a serious person more of a jokester i have 2 daughters destiny and nevaeh and i have pittys i love em i also have long blond hair so if ya dont like long hair im out lol well if theres anything else you wanna know ask ill tell im not shy ;) ok i guess i should tell you im a dog lover and i am looking for a serious relasionship i would really like to meet some cool people along the way but if you just wanna be buddies i guess thats cool but if you read this im looking for my bonnie ill be ur clyde i need a partner in crime someone i can lauph with n she will know exatilly why i know your outthere so pleaseeeeeeee send me a mesage o-ya im also a ful time student wich is good times so i dont have much time but the time i do have i would like to spend it with some1 cuddilin or playin or whatever as long as we are happy thats what lifes about rite? 1 more thing i love the green bay packers and chocklete lol

I'm so glad I have a sense of humor!

Out of the blue

When I break up with someone it's generally a forever thing. Only in high school did I ever do the hokey pokey of getting back together with someone once we broke up. When the marriage ended, it ended with no looking back. I've been the same way with dating. If, after a couple of dates, there's something that creeps me out or just generally a feeling that there's no future I'm pretty clear "Hey, you're a nice enough guy but...." and I usually follow that .... with whatever doesn't work for me. And, for the most part, the guys take it really well and all is good.

But, within the last few weeks I've heard from three of these guys out of the blue. It's like the 6-12 months since I last heard from them magically makes them: a) closer to my age; b) less smothering or c) more physically attractive.

I'm sticking to my guns. No re-treads.

Eight months?

Did I really spend the entire summer not dating? Well, and based on the blizzard outside today, the entire fall? Yep, it's true. I had one of the most relaxing summers and truly one of the most fun doing things with my kids and friends that I'm not sure I missed the belly flops of dating someone new.

Well, tomorrow changes all that. We've officially passed all of the litmus tests that eHarmony could throw at a couple of 34 year olds and I will be going on a first date for the first time in eight months.

Truly, I'm not excited. But he seems like a nice enough fellow to jump back into the fray for. We'll see.

Harmonizing.

Free dating sites are, just that, free. And you get what you pay for. (See creepy mug shot man below.) When I was first divorced I took a year on sort of a "honeymoon with myself" and then tried eHarmony. I wasn't ready. This is a site built for relationships. For people that weren't still getting over a long marriage that ended (even though I ended it and it's the best decision I think I've ever made.) And so, it was really a waste of a $100. Well, they ran a special and lord knows I love a bargain. So, I'm giving it a shot. This will probably not result in solving the immediate "who WILL I go with to the Dodgeball event", but will probably result in some more interesting dates. As my best friend reminded me today - I probably only have time to go on a couple of first dates a month. So, here's my MUST HAVES and CAN'T STANDS. I'm wondering if I should take this list to a therapist.....because I'm reading some stuff into it.

MUST HAVE

Intellect...
I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Emotionally Healthy...
I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Industriousness...
I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.
Passionate...
I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Loyal...
I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Responsible...
My partner must be financially responsible.
Curiosity...
I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Chemistry...
I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

CAN'T STAND

Lying...
I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Dependence...
I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.
Punctuality...
I can't stand someone who is always late.
Cheating...
I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Undependable...
I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Lazy...
I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato."
Depressed...
I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Pessimism...
I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Unhappy at Work...
I can't stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.
Victim Mentality...
While everyone has times of self-pity, I can't stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.

The Perfect Age?

Many, many moons ago, I went on my first true self inflicted blind date by posting an ad on CraigsList with tickets to a concert asking potential dates to tell me why they'd be the most fun. I was not looking for anything serious, definitely nothing long term. Which is exactly what I found. I was pleasantly surprised by this 27 year old's ability to have interesting conversations, quirky intellectualism and his fantastic kissing abilities. We dated on and off for a few months. I affectionately refer to him as the Happy Meal Toy in conversations with girlfriends over wine. He was, exactly that, a toy to play with for awhile with no real use or long term necessity. It ended because it was time for it to end.

My pendulum swung the opposite way and I then dated a man old enough to be the Happy Meal Toy's father. I'd like to say the age thing doesn't matter, but it does.

As a 34 year old woman, I'm firmly entrenched in Generation X. I don't understand much of the lackadaisical approach to life of anyone younger than about 30 and I don't appreciate much of the baby boomer approach to living. So, when filling out online dating profiles, I always put 30 - 45, but know that really, it's probably narrower (34 - 39).

Though, if I do date outside the range again, I'm definitely going younger. There's a reason happy meal toys are so popular.

Niche Dating

So, I've gone to more a niche online dating experience. I'm on a site just for single parents. I figured I'd be matched with people in my area that are going through the same thing I am and that understand my ridiculous schedule. And, for the most part, they're less like the guy blogged about last week and more like what I'm looking for. I'm in the midst of some fun email conversations, but due to my back to school schedule have yet to have free time to meet any of them. And they all seem to understand. Guys without kids don't get it.

I've been contacted though by people not even in the same state as me. Which seems weird. As a single mom, I hardly have time to even look at travel magazines, let alone travel for a relationship. This guy is from California. And, while maybe I shouldn't judge, what is this photo trying to say...."I really am a bargain hunter and I have a phone that I got in 1999."

So, while I doubt I'm going to run into Mr. Mug Shot from below on the Single Parent site, I'm thinking I'm still going to run into a few complete dorks.

Run Away

Oh yes, it's probably a joke profile, but this is the picture that greeted me in my online dating mailbox this evening.

Seriously? I realize I have a tattoo on my clavicle and he has a tattoo on his neck, so maybe we're soul mates, but somehow I doubt it.

<<<>>>> I completely love the responses I got to my post regarding this fellow on Facebook. Cut and pasted below:

Why you always go out for a casual 1 hour or less date the first time....

I've been out of the dating fray, by choice, for many months now. The end of the first real "relationship" after divorce wasn't pretty. In fact, it was downright silly. Breaking up is hard to do. Communicating it several times before it actually catches on with the other party becomes completely frustrating. And, it sortof burns you out to get involved with anyone.

But now, as summer winds down, I started thinking it might be fun to meet a few new people, try new things, maybe even couple up before the cold weather sets in. So, in my quest to meet new guys and not go through the brain damage and expense of some online paid site, I tried plentyoffish.com. Many odd, odd emails later (including one from a guy who only took his pictures in bathrooms) and a couple of awkward coffee dates with guys, I receive a message from "Mr. I Don't Get Out Much" as he will now affectionately be known. He seems shy, kindof geeky, which is just fine with me. We chat. He makes loads of spelling errors, but I'm attempting to be less judgmental and forgive those. He suggests going out on Friday....

Friday night dates are a challenge. They imply that you have hours to spend with this other person and give you ample time to disclose what you do or don't have going the rest of the weekend. They're difficult to escape gracefully from if they're not going well. And thus, I venture to say there are very few first date Friday nights. Have some coffee or a beer first. So, I suggest coffee. He has a prior engagement, so we plan to meet up at 8:30. At 8:30 my phone buzzes and he says he's running a couple minutes late. At 9:05 he arrives. Completely flustered. He sits down and then proceeds to not talk. At all. I spend the next 40 minutes kindof prying info or suggesting topics of conversation in an attempt to be polite.

There are many resons that I won't be dating this particular fellow. I'm sure he's a great guy. But, his favorite food is "diner food". He said, "I don't get out much" about eight times. And, he doesn't drink coffee or alcohol...enough said. I'm looking for a guy who: does get out (but isn't a bar rat), enjoys a cup of coffee and conversation and likes good food. And, well, it would be nice if he can spell, but I'm trying to be less judgmental.

...contemplative.

I know I should be enjoying the dating scene again and friends try and convince me to give it another go. But all in all, I'm loving my life as it is right now and so why? I need to dig up the journal with all the other funny stories and maybe that will inspire me to jump back into the fray.